BOB'S TOP FIVE WORST IRON MAN ARMOR COUNTDOWN!

A few months back, I was asked to write an article for Marvel Spotlight voicing my opinion on the various Iron Man armors that have materialized over the character's history.

That text piece was reprinted in the recent reissuing of 'The Many Armors of Iron Man' trade paperback.  Unfortunately, that presentation was rife with typos, and I apologize for Marvel's momentary lapse in proofreading skills.

However, that exercise led me to write my January 2008 blog where I ranked my Top Five Best Iron Man published armors of all time.

This month, I'm  bringing you the "Five Worst Iron Man Armor Designs of All Time,"

When I say "Top Five Worst," I'm not necessarily stating that these are the worst designs ever conceived. I'm ranking them strictly by my personal opinion.

If you have an comment concerning your choice for the "Top WORST (or best) Iron Man Armor Designs", feel free to send me an email and we'll discuss it in more detail on my monthly Letters Page.

ABLATIVE ARMOR

There is a disease in medicine known as Bullous Pemphigoid.

This monstrosity is the technological equivalent! I have dubbed this suit-- the TUMOR ARMOR!

I realize what the creator was trying to do with this particular design, attempting to create something that looked organic and more Giger-like in appearance.

Unfortunately, it's simply hideous to look at.

I could go on, but why bother.

SKIN ARMOR

This armor is incredibly confusing to me. I know that some Iron Man fans are really excited about this particular version, but I look at it and I see Iron Man with an unfortunate thyroid condition.

In the origins of this particular armor, it is described as piecemeal by design. That is easy for me to believe. I will refer you back to the line that I have used over-and over-again: as technology evolves, it should become more streamlined and sleek.  This poor thing resembles a semi-tractor trailer with legs.

Not only that, but it genuinely looks dysfunctional.  How does he raise his arms with huge shoulder pods like that? I think that it's sad that one of the greatest brains in the Marvel Universe is stuck inside that tiny little head.

HYPERGRAVITY ARMOR

This armor looks like the answer to a hypothetical question: What if Iron Man and Stilt Man had a baby?

In one description of the suit's functions, a section of reads, "the suit has the ability to clean and disinfect its interior in the event of any 'reverse digestion.'." Unfortunately for the readers, there's nothing there to help you clean up after you puke from looking at this thing!

The science behind many of this armor's capabilities is simply poor. "Heavy-duty rivets hold the tin suit together at all major points, [etc]." Heavy duty bolts might work on a battleship, but in an armor designed to withstand the rigors of hyperspace travel would be something far more superior than big, round, shiny bolts.

Besides functionality, it's simply butt-ugly.  I designed the original space armor. And you, sir-- are no space armor!

NASAL ARMOR

There's a great urban legend behind the creation of Iron Man's infamous nose.

It's said that Stan Lee joked during a meeting with the Editor-In-Chief about Iron Man not having a nose (after all, the other Marvel characters had noses!). In those days, Stan was the be-all/end-all as far as authority goes and his editors hung on every word that issued from his lips.  By the time that idle comment made it's way around the office rumor mill, the individual editors took it as an imperial edict and implemented that cosmetic change in the character's faceplate.  Months later, when Stan returned from a West Coast trip and perused the various titles, he saw the nose on Iron Man and asked, "What the Hell is THAT!!"

As the story goes, the ferrous schnoz disappeared shortly thereafter.

Prometheum armor

First off, the very idea of Image licensing and publishing Marvel’s characters represents one of the poorest decisions ever made in comic publishing history. It sent the message that Marvel management  had thrown their hands up in the air and said, “We don’t know what to do with our own characters! ”

Secondly, I’m hard-pressed to find anything positive to say about an Iron Man armor that has tailpipes! One of the general rules of thumb in creating a commercial character is to design it in such a manner that it can interpreted by other artists.  Unfortunately, the Prometheum armor is a design that only a mother could love and very few could draw. It is nearly impossible, looking through the back issues, to find it drawn consistently from one book to another.

Besides being incredibly clunky, it is loaded-up with tons of external clutter that seems to provide no function that I can determine.